And I struggle to identify what I have achieved.
I'm still unemployed, but managing to keep hold of my flat. And yes it's stressful. In my last post at the start of the year I said that I was coping well, almost enjoying having normal worries. And all in all this is still true. Being unemployed is very tough, but part of life. I have worked with young people who are unemployed a lot in my past, and of course have had sympathy for their situation. Unfortunately a lot of people who are unemployed find themselves in that position through no fault of their own, like myself. The system in place to help us can also destroy us. It's frustrating. I feel like the government now own me. They certainly don't trust me. And staff are not always helpful. Yes we are lucky to have a benefits system, but due to the minority who set out to cheat the system, it is a complicated system where you are constantly checked for cheating it.
I have applied for at least 300 jobs since becoming unemployed, yet I still don't have a job. So how am I so unemployable?? What is wrong with me? That's tough. Very tough. The constant knock backs or lack of reply at all make it so difficult to keep trying. I now see how people get stuck and become depressed. It's very difficult.
Yet I haven't sunk back into a depression. Much to everyone's surprise, including my own. I have had the odd bad day, or bad period, life has felt very unstable, and that can sometimes become too much to bare. Yes if I didn't have the flat to pay for it wouldn't be a problem. But if I lost the flat I think I would feel I had lost everything. So not an option.
Today for example, woke up, got a bit of a cold but could not face the job centre today, not at all. Punishment for my illness? They want proof I'm ill. Now I feel stupid saying my illness is a cold, feeling low. But I wasn't leaving bed today. And I haven't. It's been nearly 6 months. It's hard not to want to fall apart.
What's keeping me going then?
Well firstly, I have two interviews next week and potential agency work. In a week, this may all be over. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but it's steps in the right direction.
Secondly, I have a boyfriend. Someone I really have fallen for very fast, Ali. He's gorgeous, inside and out, he has the biggest heart and he makes me smile. He's become a stability in my life, and something to smile about. And when things are really a struggle, it's nice to have someone there.
And that's the funny thing about depression. I don't suffer when I can identify what's making me feel low or upset. I suffer when I want to fall apart for no reason whatsoever. It defies logic.
