Wednesday 12 September 2012

Another story must begin

Last week I think I faced my biggest fear... it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I came out the other side pretty much in one piece.
It was the closing ceremony of YCWs congress. The last 2 weeks, knowing it was going on, seeing it all over facebook and twitter, constantly in my face, has been agonising. I so desperately wish I had been there.

Running parallel to this, I made a decision to resign as National Secretary of YCW. For the last three years, YCW has been my life. I have been 'Anna from YCW'. And over the past 6 years YCW has given me so much and fed me so much and I have so much to be thankful for. In return I gave the movement my heart and soul for the last three years. And I no longer have anything to give. Making the decision was so incredibly difficult, but the sense of relief when I had made it reassured me it was the right thing to do. I need to have a life without YCW. I don't remember what it was like before YCW became my life. I don't remember who I was before I became 'Anna from YCW'. Resigning is the first step towards a fresh start, one I desperately need.
I do not for one minute blame YCW for anything to do with my illness. Quite the opposite. I have so much to thank them for. And I think ti will always be in my heart. And I am not bitter. I just know I need to walk away.

So at the ceremony I wasn't just coming face to face with a reality that has caused me so much pain - the congress I coordinated for a year going ahead without me there, but also with the need for closure and to say goodbye to a chapter in my life.

It was so incredibly tough, I cannot lie. I was anxious, quiet and tearful. But I'm glad I went. The most amazing thing happened. Two people who I respect greatly and mean a lot to me but not in my immediate work, just associated, and who I see as good friends, both felt it important for me to see the congress as a fruit of my labour. I found that hard. I don't think anyone else did. I left at the crucial stages, how could it be my labour? But indeed they assured me that I worked for a year towards this congress, which is true.
They also both understood how hard it was for me to have been there, something I really didn't think anyone would understand, but they did and not only did they understand but were able to say it to me. And both felt so passionate about it that they were brought to tears. I must have made an impact in their eyes. And their small gesture of reassurance gave me even more courage to walk away with my head held high. And my heart stone that I have carried with me every single day since the month I was commissioned to work full time  for YCW was left behind at the church, because that journey is over. It is time for me to face a new path.