My Sisters Keeper

A stunning film, everytime I watch it I cry my eyes out. Maybe because of how important my sister is to me. I have also read the book and this is just as good!

2 beautiful songs from the soundtrack which are just stunning.

Carry You Home:

Trouble is her only friend and he's back again.
Makes her body older than it really is.
She says it's high time she went away,
No one's got much to say in this town.
Trouble is the only way is down.
Down, down.
As strong as you are, tender you go.
I'm watching you breathing for the last time.
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,
I know what it means and I'll carry you home.
I'll carry you home.
If she had wings she would fly away,
And another day God will give her some.
Trouble is the only way is down.
Down, down.
As strong as you are, tender you go.
I'm watching you breathing for the last time.
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,
I know what it means and I'll carry you home.
I'll carry you home.
And they were all born pretty in New York City tonight,
And someone's little girl was taken from the world tonight,
Under the Stars and Stripes.
As strong as you are, tender you go.
I'm watching you breathing for the last time.
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,
I know what it means and I'll carry you home.
I'll carry you home.


Feels like home:

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

'Sometimes it falls on a generation to be great. You can be that great generation. Let your greatness blossom'.

Arise, Shine Out, Stand up and be Counted

Holy Week

I can't believe it has come round so soon. This Lent has been so challenging. I have been unwell and had to face great challenges in work and in my personal life. And yet I have found myself more distant from my faith and God than usual. This does not make sense to me. When I have needed the Lord the most I have turned to him less than I usually do. How is this so? I cannot understand it. And it hurts, it hurts that another Lent has passed me by and I have done very little to highlight it's significance. I am looking forward to Lourdes. I hope that there, completely cut off from the world for a week and completely at one with my Lord I can sort my head out and find my faith at the heart of my life once again as I will need it to take me forward into what will be a very challenging next few months. I hope I can come back renewed and refreshed. I pray for this as it is the only thing keeping me going now.

The Crucifix

Below is a beautiful piece about the symbolisation of the crucifix.

It's the picture of violence
Yet the key to peace

A picture of suffering
Yet the key to healing

A picture of death
Yet the key to life

A picture of utter weakness
Yet the key to power

A picture of capital punishment
Yet the key to mercy and forgiveness

A picture of vicious hatred
Yet the key to love

A picture of supreme shame
Yet the Christian's supreme boast

We plant seeds that will one day grow

This prayer has been attributed to Oscar Romero, one of the people who's ministry has inspired me and brought me to where I am now. We are not sure if he wrote it. But it's such a beautiful prayer.

It helps, now and then, to step back
and take the long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of
the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.
Nothing we do is complete,
which is another way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.

No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No programme accomplishes the church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about:
We plant seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces effects beyond our capabilities.

I believe I can, I believe I will, I believe I know my dreams are real

Love the film 'Honey' and actually this was one of my first songs that I ever found inspiring and it opened my eyes to the power of lyrics and look how many I have found since!

They said you wouldn't make is so far
And ever since they said it, it's been hard
But nevermind the nights you had to cry
Cause you have never let it go inside
You worked real hard
And you know exactly what you want and need
So believe and you can never give up
You can reach your goals
Just talk to your soul and say

I believe I can
I believe I will
I believe I know my dreams are real
I believe I'll stand
I believe I'll dance
I believe I'll grow real soon and
That is what I do believe

Your goals are just a thing in your soul
And you know that your moves will let them show
You keep creating pictures in your mind
So just believe they will come true in time
It will be fine
Leave all of your cares and stress behind
Just let it go
Let the music flow inside
Forget all your pain
And just start to believe

I believe I can
I believe I will
I believe I know my dreams are real
I believe I'll stand
I believe I'll dance
I believe I'll grow real soon and
That is what I do believe

Nevermind what people say
Hold your head high and turn away
With all our hopes and dreams
I will believe
Even though it seems it's not for me
I won't give up I'll keep it up
Look into the sky
I will achieve all my needs
I will always believe

I believe I can
I believe I will (I can)
I believe I know my dreams are real (I got strength)
I believe I'll stand
I believe I'll dance (I gotta dance)
I believe I'll grow real soon and (watch me watch me watch me)
That is what I do believe (I do believe in me)

Tell the devil I said hey when you get back to where you're from

 Loveee this song! Love Bruno Mars to be fair!

Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live
Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give
Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said, hey, when you get back to where you're from
Mad women, bad women, that's just what you are, yeah
You'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for ya, baby
But you won't do the same

If my body was on fire
Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you're a liar
'Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby

But darling, I'd still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

Mistreated, Misplaced, Misunderstood

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated
Misplaced
Misunderstood
Miss knowing it's all good
It didnt slow me down.

Mistaking
Always second guessing
Underestimating
Look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please
Dont you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me

You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head

Make them like you instead
So complicated
Look how we all make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game

It's enough
I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same

Oh

Pretty, pretty please
Dont you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me

The whole worlds scared
So I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking
Is an ice cold beer

So cool in line
And we try, try, try
But we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics
Cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans
They don't get my hair

Exchange ourselves
And we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?

Pretty, pretty please
Dont you ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me

You're perfect, you're perfect

Today is where my book begins, the rest is still unwritten

I said these words as I left for London, head held high and looking to a new life, still true

I am unwritten
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined

I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines

We've been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
To the years where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Finger on the Pulse: Max Pemberton

So you know I posted about the new Time to Change Campaign? Well they advertised this article on their facebook page yesterday -
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/8438220/Finger-on-the-Pulse-Max-Pemberton.html

Very interesting to me, and I had quite a debate about it on facebook. See the full debate on
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/mindforbettermentalhealth/posts/123604151049424?cmntid=123609304382242
Below are some of my contributions to the debate which highlight my thoughts on the topic:

It is a good thing if more people are getting treated and their illness is being recognised. However, medication cannot treat depression on its own and if doctors are reaching to it as a quick and easy solution, this is not going to work. Y...ou can cure depression without any medication, just using therapy, but you cannot cure depression just using medication and not having therapy. This does not mean I agree with the reluctance to using medication as treatment because it is seen as cheating, in some cases it is completely necessary. But I think it is a skill to be able to identify these cases and many just jump to the conclusion it is needed, this is not always true as it is an addictive pill and dependency on it can be dangerous. Therapy is completely necessary to work alongside the medication. If you become complacent and believe the medication will do the work for you, I'm afraid this is simply not true. It will address the chemical imbalance. But psychologically, it cannot change your thought processes that lead to your emotions. (If that makes sense?) 

As it quite rightly says at the bottom of the article, 

medication won't get you a new job or pay off your debts. It will give you more strength to sort this out, but it is through therapy that you identify the problems that are causing you to be depressed such as debt, and find solutions to these problems.
I am not denying the good that antidepressants can do, not for a minute. But they should be last resort when everything else has been tried. If nothing else is working on its own without antidepressents then it is likely the person has clin...ical depression, which is different to just having a spell of depression, which should never be treated with medication. Clinical depression involves an inbalance of chemicals in the brain and often something happens to trigger it and that becomes a serious illness, could be genetic but not always. Anyone can have something happen that causes a spell of depression, this is just as bad and serious but CAN be treated without any medication at all and lasts anywhere from 2 weeks to a year. Clinical depression is a part of you. If that makes sense. I am no psychologist or doctor and I don't know it all but I am speaking from a lot of experience and through study at a levels. I am not saying what I say is fact but I think it's more than just opinion as I'm basing it on real experiences.
 I will argue that it is different for every person and that depression affects different people in different ways so different treatments have to be ...tried and tested and adapted. So I guess the hardest thing about treating mental health illnesses is that there can't be a blanket treatment used for everyone and that doctors need to be fully trained in the many different ways people are affected by the illness and how they can be treated. I was put on medication straight away and it didnt start working until after 5 years of therapy and after trying 6 different anti depressants. I truly believe that this was because I relied on the medication to do the work so didn't let the therapy work fully for me. I also believe that if they had put me into therapy first and had given it a chance, I may have had the illness for 2 years instead of 5 years. But mine is definitely clinical and there was a strong history of it in the family so it was embedded in my genes, so when I was showing signs at the mere age of 13 they panicked and turned straight to medication. After 6 months of medication and hardly any therapy I ended up in hospital. So there are definitely different experiences and our experiences influence our views in a debate like this.
Someone then replied to me: 

'Exactly my point Anna. Making general statements based on personal experience is never a useful contribution to a debate, as the knowledge base isn't wide enough. A personal interpretation of personal experience lacks the objectivity that i...s needed to arrive at criteria that may benefit more than one individual. For example, whilst your personal experience can not be questioned, your interpretation of it could be. An example would be your understanding of 'genes', 'clinical depression', environmental factors and what therapy actually deals with'

To which I replied:

I see that's a dig at my contribution and one that's slightly unfair. As mentioned above, I'm not basing my comments just on personal experience, I have studied this in depth and actually, having a qualification doesn't mean your the best p...erson twith the most knowlege (and I'm not saying you said that, I'm just sensing a tone). Personal experience is just as valuable and it's not just my experience, but the experience of many friends and family members. What's important is what you take out of personal experience. My personal experience helped me gain my health and social a level qualification so whilst I understand that it's not fact so can't stand alone in a debate (although maybe I didn't make it clear that some of the points I have put forward today are actually what I learnt and studied and that I'm actually using my personal experiences to support my arguments in this debate), it should not for one minute be dismissed as a constructive argument to be put forward. I don't know that I'm right all the time nor do I believe I am, I simply know that I have a lot of experiences that have helped my understanding and allowed me to be part of debates such as these.

Oh and to possibly back up my view that medication is not always necessarily in treating depression, it is clinically proven that a good diet, healthy lifestyle and regular exercise can cure depression alone, another reason why I suffered for so long as I did the opposite of all of these.
Someone contributed this to the debate:

there is a place for drug treatment to help in symptoms. Healthy lifestyle and talking therapies are crucial too. It does not appear to be an exact science when it comes to depression and other things and it's cause -bit chicken egg. I am s...ceptical of the drug and anti-D industry. They are in the business of trying to "sell more" and some would say keep folk in a dependency relationship with their drug. Any resaearch that comes from that quarter needs to be viewed with some caution. I certainly recognice the role "society" plays in producing depression. In our "dog eat dog" environment - the pressure and presence of "mutilated dogs" to carry on the analogy further has impact on depression. I feel that the emphasis on the "individual" in our society keeps focus away from the social. That is a huge mistake. We are only as "individual" as society allows. Be wary of reductionism.

To which I replied:

Stu I think we are right to be sceptical and should not see medication as a quick fix or sole solution and from my experience, doctors and patients have done this. We do live in a stressful world where we face many challenges that can lead to people feeling depressed, but I stress that every person has times in life when they feel depressed, but there are some where it becomes a day to day reality over a long period of time and something that a bit of chocolate or a spa break just doesnt fix. It is then that you are looking to treat someone. And identifying coping mechanisms (which is a type of therapy) should be the first step, whether this is having someone to talk to or being able to prevent the depressed feelings (eg. CBT) and medication should not be referred to before things like this have been tried, in my opinion. Or you become dependant on something you may not have needed. However, it may come to a stage where it is evident that medication is needed to bring the symptoms under some control to enable the person to start to tackle them, it is then that I fully support the use of medication. (Sorry if I'm being repetitive). And just to pick up on what Pippa said, I didn't mean that this is the only cure for depression (exercise etc.) everyone suffers differently, it was just to emphasise my opinion that medication isn't always needed. And I stress again, I am not completely dismissing the usefulness of medication, I am speaking as someone who relies on them daily.
But also as someone who has seen people go into periods of depression, refuse medication, stick at the therapy and come out the other side in 6 months. And one of these girls it was almost certain it was clinical as certainly genetic, but she came through it without medication. And even though it took time I also back therapy all the way from my own experience. I know so much more than I did. Not to mention it has helped me understand my illness, identify early signs of going down hill and know how to help myself.

The debate got quite heated. I guess the hardest thing about this debate is we can have it again and again and again, I have had it many times and there is no definite right answer.

In London, Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made Of

So the day I was commissioned by the Archbishop of Westminster to work with YCW, we sang Empire State of Mind at the top of our voices, replacing New York for London.
When I applied for university just 7 months before, I chose all universities that were about an hour away from Cardiff. I didn't want to stay in Cardiff for university but I didn't want to be far from home. Yet I somehow had the courage to choose to go to London. It was the biggest decision I had ever made. I didn't particularly like London as a place, All I knew about it was that it was huge and overcrowded and busy all the time! And I hate all these things! Yet to turn down an amazing opportunity because I didn't like London as a place was rediculous. And so I took the job.
And I moved up to London. Leaving home was the hardest thing I had ever had to do, leaving my beautiful little sister, the most important thing in my life, was terrifying. But I was excited. I loved the YCW, more than anything and I was gonna get to do it full time! I was moving in with 3 of my best friends and to be honest got excited about London.
Got there and there was loads to adjust to, everything was different and everything was quite hard to get used to. I had to conquer some of my greatest fears also. But I was managing.And loved being with 3 of my best friends and the novelty was there.
It started rubbing off but I was ok. Just still adjusting. Then spent two weeks at home over Christmas and remembered how much I loved home. And how much I didn't have in London that I had at home. Firstly my vast amount of friends, who were always around and who I could see all the time. In London I didn't have any friends. And this put me in a very very lonely place. I also realised I loved the 3 people I lived and worked with, but was sick of them aswell, and didn't have anyone my own age to turn to. And no social activities, I did nothing but work. And so I had to change this.
But because of all this coming to light I also had to cope with my illness in a whole new way, a whole new situation and experience of my illness that I knew so well. I was stable but I was suddenly frightened I was going back down hill. And had to put a lot of mechanisms in place to help me cope with my illness.
And I wouldn't say I love London now, I still want to start a family and work in Cardiff. But I'm comfortable in London and appreciate how lucky I am.
And I have been lucky enough to have a job I love to carry me through and has enabled me to keep going, I have even decided to stay on longer.
Of course I have learnt so much, grown up so much, I didn't realise I could mature more but I have. I have a wider view of life, not so narrowed and now know what opportunities are available to me and I am not prepared to not try them.

Too hard to say goodbye

Beautiful lyrics by Westlife

Everytime I close my eyes
You're all that I can see
I hold you in my heart
And know you're watching over me

Standing by your side
It felt like I could fly
If I could be half the man that you are in my eyes
And I could face the darkest day
And fight the tears inside
I can't turn the page or hold back the time
It's too hard to say goodbye

From you I learnt it all
You would never let me fall
Love won't come undone
Between a father and his son

Standing by your side
Felt like I could fly
If I could be half the man that you are in my eyes
I would face the darkest day
And fight the tears inside
I can't turn the page or hold back the time
It's too hard to say goodbye

There will come a day
I'll have to walk alone
And I'll have to make it on my own

You thaught me all there is to know
 I'll never let you go

Standing by your side
I felt like I could fly
If I could be half the man that you are in my eyes
I would face the darkest day
Fight back the tears inside
But I can't turn this page or hold back the time

It's too hard to say goodbye